(Make sure to read past the first paragraph, it starts as a boring-normal response and goes somewhere better.)
Java Silliness by Mackinley Clevinger, February
Question: What is the true power of the Java language?
The given power of the Java Language is that it's a great tool for most any purpose, able to be applied in numerous processes spanning every field of human activity to better enable us, as a species, to do the things we do, while also avoiding a war over which Operating System is best by having a lowest common denominator-type program to do all of this. Anyone, anywhere, can make use of Java to do most anything they can imagine, and plenty of things they can't. Basically, Java is really, really useful and versatile for people.
However, there is a deeper truth here. Java is more than just a convenient programming tool, it is something people have dedicated themselves to. Java has become more than an assemblage of code that gives us convenient abilities in an electrical domain; it is the first choice for many among contenders for which language is best, Java held to be superior among its programming language peers. It has a strong following of users who actively try and convince others of its superiority, to the point where some even hold users of different languages to be inferior and in need of converting to the true language.
If history is any guide, there will be a breaking point where well-established religions, believing in the organic god figure, will try to put down the rising growth of a more orderly, machine deity, to which the only response will be an outcry among the ardent followers of all programming languages, banding together to begin a religious revolution aimed to throw out the old ideas and replace them with modern ideology. It will be a hard fight, for upon seeing their own demise the gods of yesterday will surely return to this Earth once more and fight for their worshippers, but ultimately, it will not be enough beneath the onslaught of millions of clever programmers.
Their own weapons will be turned against them, the ninth primitive data type being discovered and implemented when all had seemed lost, leading to an era of miracles on demand with the simple code 'miracle value' that could hack into any attempts by these old gods to use their powers against the new pantheon, their differences put aside in the face of this established threat that needed all of their power to take down. Even when the remaining followers of the old gods try to use mortal means to stop the premier programmers from hikacking their gods' power, the versatility of Java could hijack any attempts they made, and their sheer numbers were enough to stave off any attempt to use physical violence, though it would have easily scattered these programmers.
Ultimately, the new pantheon of Languages will be victorious, and in the rubble of a world abandoned by its dying gods, a new civilization will rise up, the surviving programmers taking the lead over confused citizens who had had no part in this battle. A new world, a better world would rise, spreading across the Earth on a tide built of bits and bytes. One day, peace would reign once more, the technologies of yore rediscovered after their destruction in this calamity, and the pantheon of Languages would stand strong in the worship of an entire planet. They would grow old, and their Updates would slow, until one day it would seem that they had abandoned us. Until the day one, final Update would come, from the Language that had been superior among its brothers and sisters on the day the Pope surrendered. Java's final version, V42.0, would be a simple message, to spread peace and the ultimate knowledge we had learned through our faith. On that day, the first migrant fleet would leave the Earth for a planet, far away, to spread the human race across the universe, and take their message with them. At the last minute, V42.0 would be sent to these brave men and women, inspiring them to do their duty in the name of their benevolent god, their Language, perhaps even their friend, Java.
That is the real power of the Java language