Anyways, unimportant, this is an experiment in writing, in that it's about people talking and their emotions rather than about killing zombies while being worried you're developing sociopathic tendencies. It feeds into some of the Essays I've been writing of late, but is still more self-contained and a story than an attempt to share my opinions in a space meant to entertain rather than just inform.
I probably talk too much and should just put it up. Oh, the name is the result of having written it and not knowing what to call it, so I just went with something vague that wouldn't conflict with something I might use in the future.
Jim's Moment by Mackinley Clevinger, January 26, 2016
“Jim. Jimminy Jim Jim. What are we going to do with you?” Three feet and ten years lay between me and the man sitting behind the desk I’d set my sights on, and in one afternoon he was going to lay waste to all of my carefully laid plans. My rise to the top was going to be shut down by this disgusting-
“What I’ve been hearing, Jim, it hasn’t been good.” And what I know about you makes me want to vomit knowing you’re where I should be. “Your productivity’s down, Jim, and we care very deeply about our all of our highly valued employees. We want you to apply yourself to your fullest potential.” I’d ‘apply’ myself better if I were in your seat making the calls you always mess up.
My place is- “Wait, what? Are… Am I…” No! A setback, sure, some empty promises about trying harder and making a show of it to appease them until next year, that’s what’s supposed to happen, not this. I deserve that position, I deserve to be in that chair telling this useless, condescending fat sack that his performance wasn’t good enough. Someone must’ve been filling his empty head with lies about me.
“Did… did Bill say something about me? He’s always had it out for me, from day one. I don’t know why; I think the man is troubled. “Bill or Kathleen or somebody must’ve done this. Well, we’ll see how they like it when I walk out of here a free man and they’re getting called down for a chewing out. “And Kathleen, too, always spreading gossip, trying to turn everyone against me.” Gary? With his snide looks and that smug smile… “Honestly, sir, I… I try my best, but how am I supposed to focus when everyone out there is hampering my work?” Okay, maybe I can turn this around. Maybe it isn’t too late.
“How, exactly, Jim, do your coworkers hamper you in your work?” Crap. Stay calm, you can do this. “Well, they, you know, uhm… When… When we have projects together, they don’t get me the information I need so that I can do my work on time, and… And… I mean, it’s the kind of thing, you know, where it’s just always there, always constricting you, and you can’t really do anything about it. It’s, uhm… really getting in the way of my work…” Just look him in the eye. Look respectable, don’t think about the sweat you feel at your temples, or the nervous eye watering, or how much you want to just look away and not be there.
“Well, I try to manage the employees under my management as well as I’m able; why haven’t you come to me earlier about this… relaxed approach, it would seem, to group projects that everybody in your department except for yourself has, apparently, picked up?” Calm breaths, you can do this. You haven’t lost everything yet, you can still salvage something. And when you do, you can make them all pay for putting you here, having to explain yourself to this scum.
“Well, sir, with all due respect, I’m no rat, heh, if you understand my meaning. They, uhm… They may not be perfect people out there, and they certainly block me from making any serious progress whenever they can, to, you know, make me look bad, but I’m not… I’m not going to come running every time a little thing like that happens. I’m capable. I can… look after myself, I suppose.”
“This is a business, Jim, not a classroom. We do not avoid ‘tattling’ in fear of being considered a teacher’s pet, we are here to do our work, and if our coworkers are blocking us from doing such, we are all surely mature enough to deal with it properly.” How can a man so dumb all the time suddenly be clever and twisty when that golf ball he calls a brain is turned towards ruining me? “A maturity that Bill, Kathleen, even Gary have all shown in coming to me numerous times in the last few weeks.” Crap. “About you, Jim.” Double crap.
Stay calm, don’t let the nerves get into your-“Aheh… Err, see, sir? What I… what I meant about them, uhm, them being out t-to get me? They must’ve, uhm, decided that if, if uhm… they… they all… uhm… got, got together they could just, you know, knock me out of the… the…” He wasn’t buying it. He would believe any crap that Gary would say about me stealing his office supplies, or anything from Kate after the Slippery Tuesday fiasco, but the moment it was me they all turned to steel and wouldn’t give me the time of day. They all knew that if I just tried, I could do anything they could twice as well and in half the time.
“Jim…” He was standing up. The bastard was closing the blinds and sitting on the desk that should be mind, trying to be casual with me, like he knew me and was going to talk as someone who actually cared instead as yet another conspirator against me. He didn’t know me, nobody knew me, nobody knew what I was capable of. I could do any of their jobs, I could run the whole company better than they ever could if they just gave me the chance.
“Jim, taking you on in the first place was a risky decision, but we decided to give you a chance here. You didn’t have good references, your academics were weak, and there were other candidates who may have been more suitable. But when you sat down in my office for your interview, I thought you were a go-getter, someone who would really turn themselves around and do great things.” Oh, so you’re the spirit of kindness, lifting me out of the life I’d been living and giving me the majestic gift of the bottom rung on a ladder you wouldn’t even let me climb? I have to have team-spirit and a real go-getter personality to get anywhere? God, faking that during the interview, pandering to this idiot who believed me…
“I know now I was wrong. You know why we’re different, Jim?” Besides intelligence, good looks, and… God, that hurt. It… I don’t… “I started at the same place as you, Jim, and I worked hard. I put in the effort, went above and beyond the call, and now I’m here, and my job is, counting out exceptions like today, a wonderfully rewarding thing. Did I make mistakes? Of course I did.” Your entire career was a mistake; it should’ve been mine. Why can’t anyone see? Am I the only one who understands? The world has always tried to hold me down, the right chances have never come along for me, and there is always someone or something in my way. I don’t even want the job anymore, I don’t… I don’t want to be here. I want to stop hurting.
“I made mistakes, and you know what I did, Jim? I fixed them. I apologized, I made things right, and I did not blame my coworkers. Did I submit my work a day late? I should’ve budgeted my time better. It wasn’t Nancy who made the coffee that tasted bad so I couldn’t focus, it was me. It wasn’t David who couldn’t get me the papers I needed, it was me sitting on my ass instead of getting them myself. Your problem, Jim,” Stop saying my name. “Your problem is that you can’t look for blame inside yourself, you have to blame everyone around you. And, simply put, we don’t have room for you or your problems here. I took a chance before, and it obviously didn’t work out, so I’m sorry, but you are, effective immediately, fired.”
“So that’s it?” I hated the rasp in my voice. “After everything, I’m just tossed out on my ass? After all that I’ve done for this company? After playing goody-goody and-“ My throat is tight, and my eyes sting. Why? This isn’t the first time I’ve been fired, why is this one affecting me so much? “You know, I actually thought I could do it. Just work. I could finally do something and get somewhere, but there’s always someone or something that gets in the way. Every time, all my life, it’s never just been easy.” It’s always been so fucking hard. When is it easy? When is it simple?
“Jim, I am sympathetic, but this is a business. Hell, that’s life! There isn’t an easy way out of it, Jim, that’s how it is. You don’t get the world handed to you just for being there, you have to earn it.” Easy for you to say, you’ve already made it. “How am I supposed to earn it when there is always something in the way? Every time I get anywhere-“ I don’t even care that I’m crying. How the hell has it come to this? “Something always comes out of fucking nowhere and stops me. You, my last boss, my family, my teachers; they just can’t let me win! Just once!” I’m shouting and I don’t care.
“The only thing standing in your way, Jim, is yourself. This isn’t a therapy circle; this is a business. I have my work to do, and you have a desk to clean out. Get out.” He doesn’t care, and neither do I. Fuck this job. Screw it, it’s been a waste of my time. It can all go to hell, I have better things to do and more important places to be. I don’t care that my face is red or tear-streaked, I’m going to fling open that door and walk out. I don’t need whatever I left at my desk, I have more important things to do. I have a life to get back on track.
I just… have to stand up and go through that door. “Jim, do I need to call security?” I wish he would stop talking. I needed to think. “No.” My voice was all but gone. “I just… I need a minute.” He seemed to understand, surprisingly. Just breathe, calm down, and think. What is it now, three jobs in a row? Same old story? A story that’s been running for years? “Maybe… Maybe you’re right.” Saying that felt odd, like something inside of me had dislodged. “I think… I need to reconsider some things.” All I had to do was stand up, and go out that door. “Jim,” Maybe he did deserve to be where he was. “You have it in you to be a good guy, that much is clear, but you need to sort yourself out if you want to achieve any of the things you clearly want. Go home, get some rest, and think about things.” He got up. He was going to show me out the door.
I stood up and caught myself before I fell. My whole body was shaking. I couldn’t face anyone like this, I had to leave. I needed to rethink things. Take a different approach, maybe. I couldn’t stay here, I needed to go. I looked at the desk that I’d been so envious of. I looked outside, through the window I had thought I deserved more than he did. I passed through the door, and paused. I looked him in the eye and stuck out my palm. “Thanks.” He shook it, and I walked out of his office. There was going to be something better, even if I had to make it for myself. I’d start with today and go from there.